Now you can easily create and share engaging stories with The Brain Tamer's C.A.R. technique

"If you're gonna tell your life story, you gotta be honest, or don't do it."
R. Kelly, American Musician

Today, in corporate and professional speaking circles, storytelling is all the rage.

This come as little surprise to me. Humans have been communicating through stories since the first cave dweller put a flame to a twig. Let’s face it, humans are storytelling machines.

People tell stories in all kinds of settings other than after the daily hunt. They tell stories at parties, while networking, in meetings, when training, on sales calls, on the phone, over a meal, and especially during job interviews. Perhaps you do as well.

A story has the power to inspire, motivate and transform its listener. The goal of a story is to convey an experience of value from one person to either another person or to many people. The purpose of the story is to either persuade, inform or entertain the listener in the process.

Regardless of the setting, the basic structure of all stories is the same with a clear beginning, middle and end. When some people speak, it is not uncommon for their story to seem fractured with disconnections between the three basic parts making it difficult to follow and hold your attention. This most commonly happens when the storyteller jumbles the order of the events within the story. It’s similar to hearing the punch line before the joke.

The best stories are the ones we cull from our mind. They’re made truly engaging when the details they contain are placed in their proper and most effective chronological order. It really helps when you are constructing a story to have a method to guide you in this process. So, today, I am offering my C.A.R. Technique to help you create and share engaging stories with your listeners.

THE C.A.R. TECHNIQUE

Whether you look at your resume or a roster of clients, every instance of experience or performance tells a story. The story has elements common to all good storytelling. By using my C.A.R. Technique you will be able to quickly construct an engaging and meaningful story with relative ease.

What does C.A.R. stand for?

C.A.R. represents the three basic elements of every experiential encounter. They are:

• Challenge

• Action

• Result

By simply recounting these three basic elements you can craft a story that will engage your listeners.

Let’s look at each element.

CHALLENGE

Every fictional story ever written or told begins with the lead character having to meet a great challenge. Think about the experiences you have had in your life. Without over dramatizing it, everything you have learned or mastered began as a great challenge. From learning to walk to learning to ride a bike. From getting into college to finding a job. Each experience begins with the challenge. So, does your story.  So, begin your story with the challenge.

• Think about the challenge you had to meet.

• Think about how you would define the challenge.

• What were the circumstances that created the challenge?

• What was at stake if you did not meet the challenge?

• Why did you take on the challenge?

The beginning is where you build your listener’s anticipatory interest in how your story will end.

Once you have clearly established the intensity of the Challenge you will meet, you will want to move the story along by detailing the Action steps you performed.

ACTION

Every summer, moviegoers stream into theaters around the world to gobble up the latest action film. Action sells, because it tantalizes the reader, viewer or listener with the possibilities of human achievement. Through the action of your story, you will inspire your listener while demonstrating your creativity, resilience, and resolve. In your story, you may not save the Universe, but you may have surpassed a sales goal, or discovered a new process for doing something, or earned the loyalty of a customer.

Remember, in every story, it’s the action that captivates, inspires and engages your listener.

Once you have detailed the action steps of your story, it is time to bring it to an end with a triumphant Result.

RESULT

Think about the stories you’ve read, heard or seen. How do they end? Some stories might end with, “And they all lived happily ever after”. Others with, “It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.” The ending justifies the meaning of the story.

Think about how you’d like your story to end. What is the one thing you’d like your listeners to remember about the story you are telling?

The ending of a story should represent a triumph of some sort. There are many varieties of triumph from the utterly spectacular to the completely amazing. The end of your story will detail the effect of the Result that came about due to the Action(s) you took to meet the Challenge you faced.

The Result need not be too long. In fact, the one thing you really don’t want to do at the end of your story is ramble on or rehash the story you’ve already told. Instead, think of how you can wrap it up in one sentences or two. Think about how you can summarize the story with a pithy line, turn of phrase, or tag line.

STAYING TRUE

American Musician R. Kelly said, "If you're gonna tell your life story, you gotta be honest, or don't do it."

One of my executive speaking coaching clients was asked to deliver the keynote address at a trade conference because he had written a paper about a technical process. His first instinct was to deliver a presentation detailing the paper with lots of slides that had a ton of detail on them. After working with me, he delivered a keynote that told the story behind the paper and the process. His keynote covered the Challenge he faced, the Action steps he took and the Result he achieved.

My client’s keynote received a standing ovation and he went on to speak and travel for many years based on this one success. He succeeded because his story came from his mindful truth. He engaged his listeners by sharing the truth of his story without the need to embellish beyond the actual and the factual.

YOU CAN DO IT TOO

Click here to download my C.A.R. Technique Worksheet to help you on your way to crafting engaging stories of your own. This worksheet will help you construct clear, concise and accurate stories to support your speeches, interview responses and networking conversations.

From the beginning to the end of your story, my C.A.R. Technique can help you remain true to the details of your story while crafting an engaging experience for your listener. No speaker is ever at fault for being too truthful. In fact, there is no such thing as being “too truthful”, there is just the truth governed by a level of disclosure deemed appropriate to the situation.

When a speaker tells a story, there is only one way to tell it, honestly. As a speaker-storyteller, you will have to learn to trust the truth of your story as being important and impactful enough to warrant your listeners’ awareness, attachment and appreciation.

I trust you enjoyed learning about how you can use my C.A.R. Technique to create engaging stories for your listeners. Storytelling is a pivotal Content Creation skill enabling you to speak effectively as a thought leader, subject expert, or executive. I am grateful for your support as a reader of my blog and I welcome any comment on this post or suggestions you might have in the comments section below. As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

How to Look and Sound Genuine When Speaking to a Camera

"All emotion is involuntary when genuine."
Mark Twain

You may have noticed that video cameras are everywhere!

Nearly everyone has immediate access to a video recording device and they use it to document the important events of their life. There are also a bunch of voyeuristically naive people who live to “catch” a stranger’s “worst nightmare” and then post it on the internet hoping to achieve viral notoriety at someone else’s expense.

Knowing there is a potential for you to be caught off guard and have your integrity virally impugned is a pretty scary thing. The best defense is to always behave properly, act honestly and be genuine. I can’t guarantee you’ll be immune from the amateur paparazzi, but you just might not draw their attention.

Then there is the other side of the coin… the self-inflicted, self-orchestrated video that is painful to watch and does little to enhance one’s stature. There is a trend gaining ground that requires business owners, self-employed, and entrepreneurs to promote their products, services and personal brand on the internet and in social media through the use of video. When creating a video, you must be aware of two pivotal elements, 1) how you sound and 2) how you look.

Every person who approaches this process has two choices, 1) to do it well or 2) to do it at a low, casual level. If you’re considering making a video of yourself, the question you should be asking is, “What do I want people to remember most about the video I am making?”

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN: TAILS

I recently counseled a young man with incredible speaking talents regarding a series of videos he posted on his LinkedIn site. His passion for conveying life lessons and advice on leadership is amazing, but his videos, due to their overtly casual nature, did everything they could to distract from the core of his message. In one video he is talking to his smart phone while driving his car, breaking eye contact with the road several times to face the camera. As a viewer, I was unpleasantly watching, hoping I would not bear witness to a horrible accident. We all recognize that one of the current harbingers of calamity in our society is the distracted driver. We’d all like to do everything we can to eliminate this dangerous behavior. But, the distracted speaker? Honestly, if what you have to say is so darn important, show us some respect. Take the time to put your best effort forward in a thoughtful, clear and undistracted fashion.

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN: HEADS

I have worked with a number of my clients, past and present, facing the video dilemma with trepidation on the best way they can be “in control” of the process, remain genuine, and enjoy the final product in the end. From the outset, I stress upon them how important it is to understand that even the most casual touch still demands the best form of communication.

The best communication means with the least distractions or interferences. Try to imagine watching a TV show with lots of static or data drops. It makes for a very taxing experience. As a leader or spokesperson your goal is to create a video that is purged of all interferences, allowing your brand, message and personality to come through unfiltered and at its full impact potential. You can afford to do no less.

But how? Surely it is harder than it appears.

THE HARD ROAD TO EASY STREET

It’s been said that Steve Jobs would rehearse for 17 hours or more for one of Apple’s annual presentations. So, whether you’re thinking the process of looking and sounding genuine in front of a camera is hard or easy you’re right on both accounts. It all depends on how you approach the process. Begin by giving thought to the items below:

• What topic and key points have you identified to talk about?

• How much time have you devoted to thinking about what you want to say?

• How much have you practiced responses to the questions you intend to answer?

• How much practice have you had before a camera prior to your “real” recording opportunity?

• Have you received candid feedback on your practice “performances”?

When you’ve considered all of these process questions your task will either be hard or easy depending on the degree of effort you have put forth. You get to choose which road you’d want to take.

HOW TO LOOK AND SOUND GENUINE

Your ability to Look and Sound genuine can be achieved by exhibiting these three qualities of being genuine:

• Controlling your energy

• Commanding your content

• Conveying your authenticity

Controlling your energy is a nonverbal skill.

Even high-powered CEO’s can do this poorly. Tim Cook, CEO of Apple paces so much, they have had split the screen with one camera following him and another on the Keynote slides. Unfortunately, his bad habit is now becoming systemic as more and more Apple presenters fall into this “style”.

There is nothing wrong with standing still and making your point. The more you move, the harder the audience finds it to be able to concentrate on what you are saying. Learn how to control your energy.

Being able to control your energy includes:

• Taming your wild hands (hair touching, ear scratching, beard stroking, etc.) by having a plan for the use of purposeful and meaningful gestures.

• Having a clear and unstrained voice that speaks at a controlled rate with solid volume and a pleasant pitch.

• Limiting needless body movement including uncontrolled pacing.

• Starting and ending with a smile or assuring face (if your delivering somber news).

• Making solid eye contact and looking at the camera as you would a good friend.

Commanding your content is a verbal skill.

We’ve heard for years that “Content is King”. This is not something new to the digital age. What you say has, is and always be the most important part of any communication. When you ask a viewer to stop and pay attention to you, you’d better be as clear and swift to your point as you can be.

Try following these three simple content command rules:

• Know what you want to say.

• Know how you want to say it.

• Know who is going to see and hear it.

Conveying your authenticity is a social skill.

Authenticity is not charisma. Charisma (a compelling attractiveness or charm) is a perceived quality.

Authenticity is an earned quality. It is acquired through a consistency of behavior that stands the tests of reliability and credibility.

Authenticity can be described as being legitimate, valid, dependable, trustworthy, accurate and truthful. Authentic leaders and speakers convey a sense of believability in how and what they say. In return their audiences place a higher level of their confidence in the products, brands, services and messages they represent.

A great deal of this authenticity comes from the level of self-esteem and self-confidence the speaker has in the content they share, the level of fluency they have on the topic, and the comfort they have speaking about it.

THE GENUINE SPEAKER

If you’re thinking about making a video to promote your brand, company or idea your goal is to be perceived as genuine. This means, don’t try to be anyone but yourself. Know what it is you want to say and how you want to say it. Think about the immortal nature of digital video and its lasting impact on you and your business. Don’t try to do it alone. Solicit the assistance of a colleague or coach to increase your effectiveness.

It truly is easy to look and sound genuine in front of a camera if you put the work in behind the scenes.

I am genuinely delighted to share these insights on How to Look and Sound Genuine in Front of a Camera. Please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague. As always, I am grateful for your support as a reader of my blog and I welcome any comment on this post or suggestions you might have in the comments section below.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

It's Time for the Expert in You to Start Thinking Deeply About What You Feel, Know and Say.

“Learn as though you would never be able to master it;
Hold it as though you would be in fear of losing it”
Confucius

I recently had a gentleman ask me, “What does The Speech Wiz do?”
He asked me if I can help with body language, gestures, vocal variety and a host of other nonverbal speaking skills all of which I answered in the affirmative. Then he looked at me, paused and asked me a question that betrayed a deeper understanding of the most difficult aspect of a speaker’s skill.
“Do you coach people on what they should say?”
“Ah,” I said, “that’s a really insightful question. Why do you ask?”
“Because,” he responded, “I seem to hear a lot of people speak with great style and flair, but they don’t really say much of value. I guess that’s the hardest part.”
Kudos to him! His observation is spot on.

LEARNING TO SPEAK

When you learn to play an instrument, you begin by learning the basic skills long before you begin to refine the style and type of music you will one day play. And, just because you master one style doesn’t mean you will excel at all styles. Rudolph Nureyev was a master ballet dancer and a so-so tap dancer. Fred Astaire was a master tap dancer and a fairly good ballet dancer. The trick in becoming a Speaking Master is to find your theme and keep at it. It is rare when a thought leading speaker excels at more than one vein of thought.
Like any skill you practice, speaking is a multi-faceted skillset that can take years to master. In the process of learning how to say it well, the true master speaker spends enormous time and energy on what they want to say as well. They become masters of Content Creation within their core line of thought. Through this lengthy process of deep thinking, they aggregate a massive amount of existing knowledge and generate innovative new perspectives on their theme or passion.

THE MASTER’S VOICE

The goal of a Master Speaker or Thought Leader is to sprinkle their audience with a few concepts and suggestions that will allow the seeds of their message to take root. Most thought leaders begin as a Subject Matter Expert (SME). Their subject areas are incredibly diverse ranging from arts to science to philosophy to self-help and more. The toughest challenge for many SME speakers is controlling the amount of content they share with their audiences on each speaking occasion.
Unfortunately, for some audiences, some SME speakers rush to the speaking stage and in the process skip the lengthy deep thinking on their topic that is needed. This results with the SME speaker hitting their audience with a “firehose” of content overwhelming their processing ability and drowning out their unique message.
While what we say (verbal content) represents only 7% of the communicated message it is one of those rare times when the math of 7% and 93% are of equal value.
No matter how you run the numbers, what you say is just as important as how you say it. So, while all of the nonverbal skills (body movement, vocal variety, and personal presentation) are critical to being well received by your audience, having your message remembered and repeated by your audience because it has taken root is priceless. A Master Speaker’s Voice is that unique message they bring to their audience’s and the ease with which it takes root and grows its impact.

THE DEEPER THE THOUGHT, THE HIGHER THE MESSAGE

Deep thinking is a solitary experience. No Cliff® notes available. It is a self-occupying, constantly-curious, and never-ending experience. A speaker will never suffer a loss for the time invested in deeply thinking about their core topic. The journey is always exhilarating, liberating and profoundly beyond the intended destination.
If you’re a speaker and curious about how to craft your core message, deep thinking on your primary topic area is where you need to begin. Pick up your shovel and pick axe and get ready to begin exploring the mine of your mind. The nuggets of insight and gems of clarity you’ll be looking to find will be found among 3 Veins of Thought within your mind:

1. What you know

2. What you’re passionate about

3. The experiences you have had.

Together, these three veins will supply you with the relevant stories you need to support your profound observations, foundational phrase, and unique massage that create your speaking value.

THE RIVER OF DEEP THOUGHT

Ultimately, a speaker should desire to achieve a facility of topic knowledge and expression that makes them “at one” with their topic. Deep thinking speakers do not speak in a stream of consciousness. Instead they speak from a deep river of thought. From within this river, a speaker will exhibit two qualities of their knowledge, fluency and spontaneity, they use to create a genuine bond with their topic and their audience.

In the deep river of thought fluency means you speaker’s knowledge, insights and recommendations are endless. They flow without restriction or hesitation. This fluency has been derived from your process of extreme self-occupying, constantly-curious, and never-ending examination of the topic that is integral to you.

Spontaneity imbues you with all the qualities of a master river pilot. It enables you to see the hidden perils you might encounter in any part of your journey down your river of thought. With spontaneity you have the knowledge on where the deepest water is. You easily know how and where to cross the river to touch upon an adjoining shore of thought. With spontaneity, you can ride the swiftest or the choppiest water with the same level of confidence because you have deeply thought about the journey more than the destination.

DEEP THOUGHTS EQUAL DEEPER ROOTS

Your deep-thinking efforts will serve you well as you approach your speaking life. Read everything you can find about your area of expertise. Listen to other speakers who populate your topic space. Become a real student, a willing teacher and a giving master.

From your garden of deep thoughts, be the giver of your unique seeds others will eagerly plant, nurture, harvest and share. The more seeds you plant, the wider your crop will grow. The deeper your thoughts, the deeper the roots of the seeds you share will grow. In the end, your true value as an SME speaker will be realized when you can see the impact of your thoughts.

Above all, as a Subject Matter Expert speaker, remember to head the words of Confucius, “Learn as though you would never be able to master it; Hold it as though you would be in fear of losing it”. And, never stop the process of mining the 3 Veins of Thought within your mind.

I am delighted to share this Content Creation deep thought with you from my experiences as an Executive Speech Coach and a Success Speaker. I am grateful for your support as a reader of my blog and I welcome any comment on this post or suggestions you might have in the comments section below. As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

A Simple Way You Can Create a Positive Mindset by Exchanging One Simple Word for Another

"Getting to Have what you Need is much better than
Having to Get what you Want.”
Don E. Smith

I often encounter articles extolling me to have “An Attitude of Gratitude.” Perhaps you do as well.

Gratitude is a powerful life-force. It is the verbal equivalent of chicken soup. If you use it in your life, it cannot hurt. I cannot think of a single instance in my life when someone expressed their gratitude to me and it did not have a positive effect, and vice versa. Gratitude is what we share with others when we are pleased by what they have done. You can convey your gratitude to someone for a job well done, a favor performed, or steadfast support of what matters to you. But, I’d like to challenge the habit of having “An Attitude of Gratitude” when we speak to ourselves.

The practice of positive self-talk is a critical element in any success strategy. If you tell yourself you are grateful for something you have done, acquired or achieved you are basically thanking yourself for doing something for yourself. I call this Appreciation because it recognizes your unique value.

Throughout my coaching practice, I have used a simple word switch technique to help my clients make a shift from Gratitude to Appreciation. By simply exchanging two words, “Have” and “Get” they have been able to eliminate stress and anxiety while increasing their energy and enthusiasm for leading and speaking.

While Gratitude and Appreciation are closely aligned they can be distinguished by how they align with your Wants & Needs.

THE 411 ON WANTS AND NEEDS

Back in 1969, The Rolling Stones shared with us this highly enlightened piece of philosophy:

“You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need.”

There is so much wisdom in this line. I only wish I understood it’s value when I first heard it. To complicate matters even more, it’s highly unusual for you to have what you want until you get what you need. It’s even harder to keep it.

Every coaching relationship I have, whether for leadership or speaking, begins with an assessment of three things: 1) what does the client want to achieve, 2) what current assets and resources does the client currently have, and 3) what does the client need to get in order to fill the gap between the two.

Every person who has taken a class or has a passing interest in psychology knows about Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. In its most simple view, it tells us that you cannot rise to the level above until you get what is needed in the level you currently occupy.

In terms of priorities, Needs always trumps Wants. The less you need to get, the easier it is to have what you want.

Wants are Haves and Needs are Gets.

“I want to have a vacation in the Caribbean, but I need to get more money and time to take it.”

THE BURDEN OF HAVING

Believe it or not, Having (wanting) is part of our Gratitude mindset. We are grateful for the things we have. If someone gives you a gift, you now “have” it and you must show your gratitude to them for giving it to you. Because they don’t “have” to give it to you, the burden is on you to make sure they know you are thankful. Gifts come with the responsibility to show how grateful you are for the gift by using it and taking care of it.

There is an old joke that goes like this. A mother asks her son, “What do you want for your birthday?” The young man says, “I want a new tie Ma.” On the day of his birthday his mother gives her son not one, but two ties as a present. The next day he comes downstairs for breakfast wearing one of the ties. His mother looks him over quizzically and then asks him, “What’s the matter… you didn’t like the other tie?”

Want to Have to Responsibility, I couldn’t have said it better.

Think of all of the things you have wanted that you know have. Do these “haves” tend to weigh you down. You want to own a house, but you have to maintain it. You want a job to help pay the mortgage, but you have to work it.

THE BLESSING OF GETTING

Let’s play my little word switching game. Here are a series of responsibilities. When you read them, can you feel them weighing you down?

I have to pay my mortgage.
I have to paint my house.
I have pick up my kids.
I have pick up my cleaning.
I have to work late.
I have to call my mom.

Now let’s switch the word Get for the word Have in each of these sentences.

I get to pay my mortgage.
I get to paint my house.
I get pick up my kids.
I get pick up my cleaning.
I get to work late.
I get to call my mom.

As you read each of these statements, do they make you feel more appreciative of the things in your life? Appreciation is a positive mindset that celebrates Opportunity. You may not like your lousy job with your over-bearing, clueless boss, but at least you get to work.

The formulas looks like this:

(Want + Have) * Gratitude = Responsibility
(Need + Get) * Appreciation = Opportunity

GETTING TO LEAD & SPEAK

I am always amused when someone tells me they have to give a speech, run a meeting, or address an industry gathering. The last time I looked, I don’t remember any of these things being done under threat of physical harm.

Speaking and leading are getting things. They are unique Opportunities, ripe with potential and unlimited possibility. They should be embraced with wide open arms, abundant enthusiasm, and focused intention. They are special things to be fully appreciated upon both receiving and completing. Perhaps more people would step up to seize theses unique moments if they could make the shift from having a daunting responsibility to getting an unbridled opportunity.

The next time you feel you have to do something because you feel a responsibility to do it, practice some positive self-talk and switch the word get for have. It will help you eliminate stress and anxiety while increasing your energy and enthusiasm. You will be better positioned to seize the opportunity before you with full appreciation for the reward it brings as both a leader and speaker. When you do, you will see that “Getting to Have what you Need is much better than Having to Get what you Want.”

I am delighted that I get to share this blog with you and I am grateful for your support. Remember, you don’t have to leave a comment on this post or suggestions in the comments section below, but you get to do so with my sincere gratitude. As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

Why the sheer brilliance of using a deep conversation to create a high-value relationship is utterly priceless.

"Deep conversations with the right people are priceless."
Anonymous

As of late, the art of conversation has been taking a beating. We all know it and, most importantly, we all see it. People still meet for lunch or dinner, but they don’t talk much to each other. Instead, they just immerse themselves in technology, only occasionally sharing a tweet or text. It’s all very surface level and hardly ever goes deeply into what really matters. While they are developing relationships, many of these people are missing out on the priceless value deeper conversation offers.

THE ART OF THE PRICELESS

For many years, I have been coaching my leadership and speaking clients to get out of their ivory tower and talk to their people. If all you know about a person is what is on their resumé, you “don’t know nothin’” about them. The same thing goes for colleagues as well. I once worked at a communications agency where we were prohibited from talking to each other except as it related to work.

A communications agency!

Hard to believe? Not really.

In many corporate circles, conversation is considered a waste of time. Idle chatter. The devil’s playground.

But, research has found that practicing the art of conversation is a sound business strategy. Even without the research, having deep conversations with clients, colleagues and audiences is a fundamentally sound behavior. After all, when you take a business and separate the processes and product from the enterprise what you have left are the people that work there. The same people that will spend endless hours pouring their souls into a product or service can hardly be bothered to explore and discover what matters most in their professional, public, and personal lives.

For many leaders, conversations may appear to be an unnecessary, costly expense. But what they are destined to learn when building a high-functioning team, is that deep conversations between the players is critical. This may not be news to some, but it is certainly a revelation on the state of human nature to many. What some leaders and speakers may view as a costly extravagance is actually a priceless experience.

Recently, Joe Maddon, World Series winning manager of the Chicago Cubs, has begun taking to dinner players who may be struggling or underperforming. It is his belief that getting to know the player better through deep conversations is a critical part of his job. He knows there is a postive benefit when the player knows his manager has concern for more than what happens between the foul lines. Maddon is it in for the long game, because winning is the result of lots of small wins collected over time. He knows winning in life has a direct correlation to winning on the field. He sees a manager’s role as not just managing how a team plays but managing the people who play on the team as well.

Deep conversations are the very foundation of a strong relationship. To build a strong lasting relationship all parties have to be invested in the process. Or, as our giraffes in the photo accompanying this blog demonstrate, sometimes you have to be willing to stick your neck out to get results. To build a strong relationship through deep conversations you must be willing to give details and disclosures about yourself (company) as well as receive the same in return from the other side of the relationship. Deep conversations really are priceless.

THE RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT CYCLE

A while back, I developed The Relationship Development Cycle, a model for helping all of my clients learn how they could build stronger relationships. Stronger relationships with their clients, teams, and audiences. Through the use of this model, my clients are able to deepen the relationships they have with themselves (as leaders and speakers) and with others in the course of doing business, enhancing their communities, and enriching their personal and family lives.

The Relationship Development Cycle has five stages (Desire, Exploration, Discovery, Negotiation and Acceptance) that continuously revolve around a central hub (Trust) for stability. The engagement of this model can help anyone develop a deeper understanding and relationship with any person, place or thing. You can apply it to a skillset or a dataset. It works the same so long as the first stage (Desire) is present in the relationship. Without Desire, all relationships crumble through entropy and eventually cease to exist. It is one reason we tend to lose friendships over time. Without the Desire to maintain the relationship, it has a natural tendency to falter.

The hub of Trust acts to align the relationship based on the truthfulness of the information exchanged throughout the relationship.

If (when engaging this model to develop a deeper personal relationship with yourself about a skill, emotion or experience) you cannot maintain complete honesty, your self-relationship will spin out of alignment due to an imbalance of honest information. Since we often “lie” to ourselves as a defense mechanism many of us don’t often have the best relationships with ourselves. Don’t you deserve better?

You are one of the right people. Have a deep conversation with yourself.

The ability to build a strong relationship is not a “just add water” activity. It takes time, sincerity, honesty, creativity, and bravery to expose yourself willingly to another person (including yourself). For western thinkers it requires the ability to allow yourself time for reflection. Something the western mind tends to struggle with grasping.

In a recent commencement address to his daughter’s graduations class, Chief Justice John Roberts urged the graduates to “to stay involved with yourself." He imparted to them the following sentiment, "My advice is, when you get to college, to set a little time aside each day to think about things instead of simply acquiring more information. Do not read more, do not research more, do not take notes. Put aside books, papers, computers, telephones. Sit, perhaps just for a half hour, and think about what you're learning."

SOUND BUSINESS THINKING

If your goal is to build better work groups with higher levels of performance and reliability, I can recommend no better way than to practice The Relationship Development Cycle. Challenge all members of your organization to learn more about who they are, what they want and what they need from the work they do by engaging this model between themselves. Once you learn what people dream to achieve, you will see how you can help them fuel that desire.

For leaders and speakers, The Relationship Development Cycle is critical to developing the deep thought platforms you seek to use when communicating concepts and processes to your audience. By engaging The Relationship Development Cycle you’ll learn to stretch your ability for self-examination, strengthen your thinking muscle, and overcome the tendency to settle for the easy answers to tough questions. Remember, your value to individuals and organizations rest solely on the uniqueness of your vision and your ability to effectively articulate that vision with authority, brevity and clarity.

Click this link for a free copy of my one-page document about The Relationship Development Cycle and feel free to share it with colleagues, friends and partners. Most importantly, share The Relationship Development Cycle with yourself. Start today to begin building a strong relationship with yourself on a host of topics through deep intrapersonal conversations. You’ll soon see the most amazing transformation begin to happen when you stick your neck out just a little.

While you’re at it, stick your neck out a little and please share your comments on this post or suggestions in the comments section below. As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer

Why you must avoid the hidden pit falls of group think when leading and speaking.

One of the greatest dangers for a leader or speaker is to grow increasingly numb to the pit falls of group think within their organization and the speeches they deliver.

Today, the whole world is listening and the things you may think you are saying in confidence might easily show up on YouTube, Twitter or SnapChat. This does not mean you should be disingenuous when you speak, but it does mean you must consider the larger audience who might hear what you are saying.

Sometimes, when we’re in a like-minded group it is easy for us to become comfortable saying the things we’d like to say instead of the things we ought to be saying. This is a lesson learned painfully by many politicians, athletes and celebrities. Some professional speakers and business leaders are guilty of this as well.

UNDERSTANDING GROUP THINK

Groupthink is a term coined by social physiologist Irving Janis in 1972 to classify a negative feature of people in groups. Group think is defined as a psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people, in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an incorrect or deviant decision-making outcome.

Recently, while coaching a candidate for state legislative office we talked about speaking to audiences. My caution was to avoid the pit falls of group think by continually remembering that even people in your own party reserve the right to change their mind or to differ in opinion.

Group think has not only snared the famous and infamous, it also has a tendency to stifle open and honest dialogue between well intentioned people and among well-meaning groups.

Group-think is a paralyzing phenomenon predominately practiced from the halls of academia to the corridors of legislatures to conference rooms throughout the world.

In my own experience, while teaching Public Speaking at a college, I challenged my colleagues who were classifying Vocal Variety as verbal communication on the course’s rubric. When I pointed it out to them that even the text we were using classified Vocal Variety as nonverbal communication because it is paralanguage their response was, “Well perhaps we’ll call it Voice on the rubric instead.”

If ever there was a case of making a deviant decision, this is one. Instead of being concerned they had misinformed their students, they were more concerned with not being proved wrong. They were lock-step in the group think.

The Titanic struck an iceberg, but it was group think (this ship is unsinkable) that sunk it.

New Orleans was hit by hurricane Katrina, but it was group think (the levees will protect us) that cost the lives of so many people.

Enron may have been led by greedy dishonest executives, but it was group think (the belief that dissent is disloyalty or stupidity) that caused it to crumble.

AVOIDING THE PIT FALLS OF GROUP THINK

There are a variety of techniques you can engage to help avoid group think. An article from Expert Program Management suggests the following:

• The Nominal Group Technique: this gives group members the opportunity to contribute individually before group discussion begins.

• The Delphi Method: this allows group members to contribute individually without the group ever having to come together. The individual may not even be aware of who the other members of the team are.

• The Stepladder Technique: this starts with a group of two, and adds one member at a time to the group, allowing each new team member to express their opinion on the solution each time, before group discussion begins.

• ·The Six Thinking Hats Technique: forces the team to look at a problem from different perspectives.

The clearest solution to avoiding group think may be found in a simple two-word slogan from Apple, “Think Different”. Regardless of how popular a solution or objective may be,  challenge yourself and your group to seek a different perspective on the idea. Examine it as if you are seeing it for the first time. Give it the old “water test”. If it doesn’t hold water, it probably will sink.

THE NON-GROUP THINK LEADER AND SPEAKER

When you create a speech, you are your own group. You develop content out of your own passion, knowledge and experiences. You believe what you have to say is really, really important. While you have great, awesome and inspiring vision, what you may lack is perspective. And this can lead to group think.

A good many speakers get ensnarled in their own little group think. They have a passion for a topic, craft a speech with lots of real neato ideas, stories and witty phrases and then send it on its way. They forget to take the time to listen to what they are saying from their audience’s perspective. They forget to “eat their speech” and end up serving something that is totally indigestible. They hit their listeners with a fire hose when a sprinkler is what is they need to nurture the seeds they have sown.

The best way for a leader or speaker to avoid encouraging group think is to listen to what is being said. Measure it against what situation it is intended to solve. Before coming to the final decision, seek the input of a trusted, impartial outside source. Ask open questions designed to expand on the range of existing thinking. Be open to change and embrace it.

As Albert Einstein said, “If nothing changes, nothing changes.”

As always, please feel free to share this post with a friend or colleague. The best way for me to avoid falling into group think within this post is for my readers to chime in with their comments, opinions and suggestions. Please feel free to share your comments on this post or suggestions for future posts in the comments section below.

Bringing Positivity to Everything,
The Brain Tamer